Sewage Dilemmas or She Who Will be Known as the Toilet Slayer

February 21, 2006

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 - Staniel Cay Harbour, Staniel Key, Exumas
By Tom

We stayed put today in the harbour off of Staniel Cay. The mail boat showed up this morning and we joined the other cruisers camped out in front of Isles General to descend upon the fresh veggies.

While Amy and I procured said veggies, the Buddy Fred and Fran walked around the island. I think Fran may have caught wind of Milo's plans for her demise and she and the Buddy Fred have decided to spend a night ashore at one of the cottages rented by the Yacht Club.

Actually, I think Fran just wanted to be able to take a long hot water shower and not have me bitch about the amount of water she is using. You didn't hear it from me, but she may not be cut out for full time cruising.

We brought Fran and the Buddy Fred back to the mother ship for a lunch of Barracuda fingers before depositing them on the dock of their rental cottage. We agreed to meet them there at 6:00 pm for cocktails and then head into the yacht club for dinner.

Back on board happy home, Amy and I reveled in the quietness, even if it was short lived. I hate to admit it, but the ferrets actually seemed to miss having Fran around. Huh, go figure.

At six we headed in to the cottage and after a few drinks went to dinner. I had the steak and Amy got the lamb. Both were excellent and they tasted even better as Buddy Fred picked up the tab. Thanks Buddy Fred.

Tomorrow we plan on diving Thunderball and them moving the boat over to Big Majors to play with the pigs on Pig Beach. Milo thinks we can arrange some sort of pig stampede accident for Fran, but only time well tell.

Remember, never send a ferret to do a weasel's job

Thursday, February 16, 2006 - Big Majors Key, Exumas, Exumas
By Tom

With our company safely ashore for last evening, we let the ferrets spend the night out of their cage. Consequently, I woke up with Mila snuggled under my armpit and Milo sprawled out across my chest. It's funny because I had this dream last night that I was suffocating. Turns out I probably was, so I guess dreams do come true, right?

We picked up the Fran and the Buddy Fred around 11 am and sailed them over to Big Majors, a whopping 3 miles away. Fran wanted to see the wild pigs that live on the southern most of Big Majors Cay's 3 beaches.

It took all of my pig calling abilities and about 15 minutes to roust said pigs. Two showed up right away and feasted on our carrot and ferret food offerings. I had told Amy that I bet the pigs would like the ferret food better than her carrots, and sure enough it was the hands down favorite.

Of course, given the choice I'd probably pick the ferret food too. This does not speak well for me.

Whilst mingling amongst the pigs, we met another youngish cruising couple on a boat named Cliff's Notes. I think there names were Cliff and Melanie and they were out of Richmond, so we are kind of neighbors back in the states.

After feeding the pigs, we returned to the mother ship and the Buddy Fred and Fran geared up for some sunbathing on the forward trampoline while Amy and I donned our hunting equipment and headed out to procure dinner.

The wind was blowing too hard for us to go outside, but I've had limited success here on the bank side before, so we figured we'd at least give it a try. We haven't been hunting since the Buddy Fred and Fran arrived and I am starting to go into withdrawal.

Anyway, we anchored the dinghy in our super secret hunting spot and after about 15 minutes I found a medium sized lobster hiding oddly enough right in front of a sleeping Nurse shark. I'm not sure what the relationship between the lobster and the shark was, but since the shark's eyes were closed I figured it would be ok to invite his lobster buddy over for dinner.

One shot to the head for Mr. Lobster was all she wrote. I swapped spears with Amy so she could swim the bug back to the dinghy while I played with the shark. I have been wanting to shoot a small shark for sometime now. Some of them (like this Nurse shark) are suppose to be excellent eating. This one was just the right size at about 3 feet. Big enough to have plenty of meat, but small enough not to bite my arm off.

In the end it occurred to me that I do not know how to clean a shark and so until we have detailed instructions on the procedure it might be a waste to kill one. Lucky for you shark. Or depending on your point of view, lucky for my arm.

While I was having the great shark debate, Amy gathered a large Queen Conch which we sacrificed upon the altar of the Cracked Conch Gods. With enough food for dinner we rejoined the Buddy Fred and Fran back on board Dream Catcher. After we stowed our hunting gear and cleaned our catch, we decided to re-anchor the boat in front of town. Since we aren't going anywhere today Fran and the Buddy Fred decided to stay in their cottage (with warm water) for another night.

With all of the fish we have caught and eaten over the last few days, we decided to make spaghetti for dinner. After dinner I ran the cottage dwellers back to shore and then returned to find Amy waiting with the worst news of our cruise to date.

Someone (Fran) who shall remain nameless (Fran) managed to completely jam the sewage pipe leading from our head to the holding tank. This person (Fran) apparently flushed a wad of toilet paper the size of Uranus (get it?) down said head. This doesn't bode well for team Dream Catcher. I worked until 3 am this morning trying to fix the problem, but to no avail. Shitty Death!

Friday, February 17, 2006 - Staniel Cay Harbour, Staniel Key, Exumas
By Tom

We awoke this morning to find that no magical toilet fairy arrived in the night to repair our head problems. Damn fairy bastards!

I sent Amy to shore to have breakfast with the Buddy Fred and the one who will be known as Toilet Slayer. I suggested she might want to tell them to plan on staying in their cottage another day as life on board Dream Catcher will diminish greatly without a functioning toilet.

While Amy was gone, I analyzed our sewage dilemma and decided that the 14 foot length of sewage pipe needed to be replaced. I then spent the next 4 hours cutting, cussing, bending and generally abusing said pipe to get it out. Mila and Milo sat on top of my clothes dresser and had the good sense to be quiet and not say anything. They fear sewage too.

Anyway, just as I suspected, the pipe was clogged solid. I found convincing evidence that the toilet slayer had indeed been here. I believe this provides sufficient provocation to give Milo the green light for Operation Dispose of Fran at Sea with all Possible Malice (Operation DOFASPM).

It goes without saying of course that there is no replacement hose here on Staniel Cay and I can have it shipped in in 5 to 7 days. Shitty Death!!

We called down to Georgetown Marine, some 75 miles a way and they said "Sure we've got it, no problem mon" I asked him if he could walk back to where ever his hose lives and visually verify the hoses presence, but dude seemed offended. He came back on the phone after like 12 seconds and said "Yeah mon, we gots plenty."

Hmm. I hate to be a doubting Thomas, but the only other place I can get the hose down here is Nassau which is 70 miles away. If we get to Georgetown and happy dude is just shining me on, then two things will happen. One, happy dude will be dead and two, Team Dream Catcher will now be 150 miles from replacement hose still with a broken head.

We decided to make a run for Nassau. Tomorrow morning Buddy Fred and the one known as Toilet Slayer will meet us on the dock at the yacht club at 6 am and we will try and make a direct run to Nassau.

In the interim, I have devised a make shift holding tank using our utility bucket and 3 feet of the original hose that I was able to save. It's not pretty, but it beats squatting off the back, especially for the girls.

Are we having fun yet?

Saturday, February 18, 2006 - Normans Cay, West Anchorage, Exumas
By Tom

I was up at 4 am this morning to ready the boat for the 70 mile speed run to Nassau. Amy joined me shortly there after and together we got most things stowed and the boat ready for open water. At 5 am I called in on the VHF to give the Buddy Fred the wake up call as their cottage had no alarm clock. Buddy Fred was awake and ready for the super secret signal. Way to go Buddy Fred.

We got the anchor up in the dark and eased along side th pier to pick up the rest of the crew. We were under way by 6:10 and the sun rose to greet us as we left the harbour at Staniel Cay.

Last night I re-thought our plan for today and decided we would headed for Norman's Cay instead. My intention was to pull into Highbourne Cay Marina if they have shore side facilities (toilets), but they didn't answer my VHF calls. Instead we dropped the hook off the west side of Normans Cay in 4 feet of water.

By stopping at Normans today, we will arrive in Nassau tomorrow during business hours which means we can get keys to the rest room facilities. If we had gone straight through today, we would have arrived to late to check in and Nassau Harbour is probably the last place you want to be doing the "bucket and chuck it" routine.

As it turned out, we were able to sail the 32 miles up here today and it was quite pleasant. We have been able to do a lot more sailing this year compared to last. So far, we have only burned 60 gallons of gas, half of which went into the dinghy, since November 1st when we crossed over. Sweeet.

After anchoring, I decided to go hunting for dinner and the Buddy Fred agreed to chauffeur me around. The one known as the Toilet Slayer decided to come along as well. Milo gave me the super secret signal which indicated his desire for me to see to it that Fran suffered a horrible spear fishing accident while we were gone.

As we were never out of sight of other boats I was not able to do in the Fran unit, but I did manage to pull in 3 smaller White Margates. I also saw 2 lobster, but 1 was too small to justify shooting and the other one was smarter than I am and so he escaped and I went hungry. Damn you lobster!

I've warned the crew that I will be starting up at first light tomorrow to ensure we arrive in Nassau inside the proper time frame. What this probably means is that I will be awake and be raising the anchor and getting underway by myself. This is not a very loyal crew when it comes to wake up time.

Dinner was whole Margate on the grill with cracked conch and fried plantains on the side. After dinner we set up the big screen TV and watched the Four Feathers before turning in for our final push to Nassau in the morning.

Sunday, February 19, 2006 - Nassau Yacht Haven, Nassau, New Providence
By Tom

I awoke at 5 am and proceeded to get the boat ready for the trip to Nassau. It was a pretty late night last night for me and the Buddy Fred and as Amy and Fran generally sleep in if given the chance, I knew it would be me and the ferrets getting us under way.

Milo sat on the auto pilot's head while Mila sat on my shoulder and supervised the raising of the anchor. We were under way by 6:15 am. The wind was howling at a whopping 4-6 knots, so it goes without saying that we had to motor sail the whole way.

Around 9 am or so other members of the crew showed up to relieve the ferrets. The Buddy Fred and I deployed the fish whackers and through the course of the day we caught three fish, sort of.

I say sort of because the first fish was actually just the head and one eye of a 2 to 3 pound Almaco Jack. A shark got the rest of him. After that the Buddy Fred maintained a constant vigil over the lines.

Shortly after the shark incident, Buddy Fred snagged a 1.5 pound Bar Jack. I made dinner reservations for our fishy friend while Amy and the Buddy Fred got the boat back under way.

Fran broke the no alcohol before noon rule by fixing us cocktails after fish number 2 just after 10:45 am. Nice. Maybe she is cut out for full time cruising after all.

While Fran and the Buddy Fred were below mixing drinks, Amy noticed we got another fish on the line. Apparently, this fish didn't have enough fight in him to trip the line (or Buddy Fred had the drag too tight), so Amy saw him doing his best frisbee imitation. She reeled him in and we added a 3 pound Cero Mackerel to our larder.

If by magic, Nassau appeared on the horizon right on schedule and we doused the main sail and stowed the fish whackers as we entered the harbour. We came along side our slip at the Nassau Yacht Haven shortly before 4 pm. I think this is the first marina we have been in since early October of last year. Milo says that as a general rule, electricity rules.

We put the bed to sleep and retired to the Poop Deck Bar and Grill right above the marina offices. After a few beers we returned to the boat for a dinner of fresh steamed lobster, grilled Cero Mackerel fillets, baked potatoes and a salad.

Welcome to Nassau. (In the ghetto)

Monday, February 20, 2006 - Nassau Yacht Haven, Nassau, New Providence
By Tom

Today was a sucky day as I knew now that the stores are open, I had no excuse for not fixing the head. I fear sewage.

I placed both ferrets in individual Ziploc Freezer bags and while we were buried in the bilge, the rest of Team Dream Catcher hiked across the bridge to Paradise Island. I think the Buddy Fred and Fran drug Amy out to do the tourist thing, but I can neither confirm or deny this as I was busy swearing at the septic system and trying to think happy thoughts.

I replaced the head hose and reconnected everything. The toilet seems to work correctly, but I guess time will tell. I did several test flushes with Milo's help and they seemed to go satisfactorily. I guess eventually I will have to test the head in an actual use situation, but as neither of the ferrets or I needed to go, this will have to wait for later. We still fear sewage.

After thoroughly washing both ferrets and myself, I took the tribe on a stroll to the local beer store which sells cold beers 3 for five dollars. I know that sounds like a lot state side, but here it's a real deal.

The girl behind the counter wasn't sure what to make of the ferrets, but I assured her that they were harmless as long as she let us have the beer. She did and they didn't attack. We hoofed it back to the boat with me carrying the beers, Mila riding on my shoulder and Milo alternating between on top of my head and attempting to jump from my arms into oncoming traffic. He doesn't get out much.

The crew returned shortly and we all went down to the Outback Steak House for dinner. I know that sounds lame, but Amy and I haven't seen a U.S. chain restaurant in like 5 months, so let it slide. It was kind of funny, because we all ordered dinner and then we agreed to split two appetizers. Well, after the appetizers and the obligatory bread, none of us was hungry enough to eat dinner.

We ended up carrying three quarters of our total dinner meal home in boxes. I know, I know, we are pretty sad.

Amy and Fran departed immediately for bed, while the Buddy Fred and I sat up and had a night cap and traded stories. I think I went off to bed around 11 pm

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - Nassau Yacht Haven, Nassau, New Providence
By Tom

Well, suffice it to say the head was tested last evening. So far it looks like we are ok, but I fear the holding tank is near full, so I will have to find a way of emptying the contents. Trust me, there are no pump outs in the Bahamas.

I won't say how or why, but I discovered during said sewage removal process that our sewage displacement pump (SDP) has suffered a critical failure. Shitty death !!! Seriously.

Our pump is a Whale Gusher model which apparently isn't sold anymore, so I will have to improvise. This head problem just keeps getting better.

Fortunately, the Buddy Fred and Fran decided to spend the day touring the historic Nassau district, so no one got killed as I dealt with more sewage problems.

After spending another 3 hours replacing the pump with a spare Milo and I cobbled together, we cleaned up and then awaited the return of the Buddy Fred and Fran. As a side note, mens sized-large plastic gloves make perfect bio-hazard containment suits for ferrets. Just in case you needed to know.

It turned out that the Buddy Fred and Fran had eaten a late lunch after Fran drug said Buddy Fred on a 5 hour walk across all of New Providence, so dinner was abandoned in favor of an extended happy hour. Milo had hoped we would be having a "Last Supper" for Fran as he was planning to nail her to a cross he had secretly constructed from several stolen pieces of silver ware in the aft state room. Sorry Lunchbox, put down the Iron Lance.

After Amy and Fran retired for the evening, the Buddy Fred and I had yet another screening of Team America. We still laughed through the whole movie.

Tomorrow our guests catch the Freedom Bird back to the land of hot water and all things commercial.